Clean Communication

Through my work with severely traumatised people, I have had the opportunity to refine and extend the approach and questions developed by psychotherapist David Grove in the 1980s, known as Clean Language. In my world, this is the most important skill in all communication of any kind - and literally vital in therapy or coaching.

The goal of "Clean" is the same as when you clean a wound - you want to clean it so it can heal, and you want to avoid infecting it with any bacteria from yourself at all costs.

It means a neutral approach that is 100% about the other person, so much so that you try to make yourself "invisible" and just hold up mirrors in front of them.

Some basic rules of the approach are:

• Don't assume anything
• Don't reciprocateUse the other person's words, verbatim
• Use the words in the same tense and conjugation
• Do this even if the grammar "sounds really weird".

The reasons for this are how the brain works. When you use Clean according to these principles, you often put the other person into a self-reflective safe hypnotic trance, where they can become aware of what they really mean, want and are trying to say. Any 'impure' communication from you, such as saying 'what a good thing' or 'what a shame' or changing their words, risks 'waking' them up from this process.

The "Clean Language" questions are like a formula - where you replace X and Y with the other person's words. The basis is 12 questions, I list them here in the order I usually test them - I say test because no communication is a cookie recipe - you have to constantly self-calibrate every response you get - without trying to understand. It all happens inside the other person - you don't need to know what is happening as long as they say it has helped.

Clean Language questions‍

Identify the pain

• What kind of X (is that X)?
• Is there anything else about X?
• Where is X? or (And) whereabouts is X?
• Is there a relationship between X and Y?
• When X, what happens to Y?
• That’s X like what?
• What happens just before X?
• Where could X come from?
• Then what happens?

Identify the gain

• What would X like to have happen?
• What needs to happen for X?
• Can X (happen)?

Identify the metaphor

• What is X, like?

Once you have the metaphor, you can work literally with i.

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EXAMPLE

You ask "how is it?"Answer: "so-so"

You follow up with, for example, "what kind of SO-SO is that SO-SO?"

The answer could be anything, but it helps the person to reflect on "of all the SO-SO's I've ever experienced, which SO-SO is this particular SO-SO?"

It could be "I don't know"

Then you can follow up with "What does SO-SO like to have happen?"

It often feels alien the first time you try it, I thought so. But, it is only when you start to understand how the brain processes information that you can realise the importance of the wording. I could explain in detail, but it doesn't fit here. I say like my grandmother: Try it.

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If you are considering learning this, I run workshops at regular intervals.

If you who meet vulnerable individuals as a coach, therapist, teacher, social worker, HR, counsellor, priest. For those who present things to others. If you want to communicate effectively and safely regardless of who you are talking to.

You will learn how to communicate with words, energy and body language. How words affect the nervous system and emotions. Simple basics of Clean Language - an unbeatably simple and effective technique. You will be able to communicate, understand others and be understood at a deep level.

I share my experiences from training PhD students in presentation skills, working with traumatised clients and ten thousand hours on stage.

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Here is an online Clean learning resource I have developed. Feel free to share and let me know how you find it.

You can find the next workshop here>>

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Deep diving into Clean

For those of you who have some experience and wish to go deeper, continue reading.

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The Overlap: Clean Communication and Black Swan Techniques

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Purpose Comparison

• Clean Communication (CC): Facilitates therapeutic inner change.
• Black Swan Techniques (BST): Focuses on winning a hostage negotiation.

Despite their distinct goals, both approaches share deep similarities, particularly when applied to coaching someone out of destructive behaviors like addiction or criminal lifestyles. These scenarios mirror a "hostage situation" where the individual is metaphorically held captive by their circumstances a substance, withdrawal or a belief.

The overlap between Clean Communication and Black Swan Techniques lies in their shared foundations. Clean Communication aims to facilitate therapeutic inner change, while Black Swan Techniques focus on winning a hostage negotiation. Despite their distinct goals, both approaches share deep similarities, particularly when applied to coaching someone out of destructive behaviors like addiction or criminal lifestyles. These situations resemble a hostage scenario, where the individual is metaphorically held captive by their circumstances or mindset.

Both approaches require letting go of personal biases to focus entirely on the other person’s perspective, engaging with curiosity and neutrality, and avoiding preconceptions. They emphasize avoiding planning what to say next until fully understanding the other person’s current input and aim to understand the reasons, fears, and beliefs driving the other person’s behavior. Both approaches leverage neurobiology concepts like Kahneman’s system of fast and slow thinking, recognizing how emotional states affect cognition and creativity.

Techniques like creating a “yes-set” or “no-set” influence engagement, with tone, inflection, and non-verbal cues playing a critical role. Responses vary depending on context, including factors like sleep, stress, and personal history, requiring situational adaptability. Both approaches aim to make the other person feel heard, understood, and secure, with authenticity and credibility as essential components. They focus on distinguishing between surface-level desires and deeper motivations, aligning with Clean Communication’s STATE model. Mirroring is used to build trust and facilitate self-reflection. Negative emotions or behaviors are labeled without judgment to diffuse tension.

Hostage negotiation dynamics add unique insights. A hostage-taker typically has one client, often the victim’s family, mirroring how addiction or destructive behaviors impact both the individual and their close network. Hostage-takers are often hyper-vigilant and emotional, requiring neutral labeling to diffuse tension, with statements like, “It seems like you’re in a hurry.” A calm, analytical approach driven by curiosity is a powerful method in these scenarios.

Several techniques from Black Swan are universally applicable. Using “no” strategically can make the other person feel safer, lowering defenses. Timing questions to avoid decision fatigue and starting emails with phrases like “Have you given up on…” can re-engage conversations. Mental preparation for resistance is key, as is the understanding that anger often dissipates quickly. Shifting responsibility with phrases like “How am I supposed to do that?” can lead the other person to propose solutions. The three negotiation styles—assertive, affirmative, and analytic—are tools to adapt to the situation, with curiosity driving the analytic approach. Mislabeling emotions can test reactions and refine the approach, while tone, pauses, and carefully crafted questions help measure progress.

Both Clean Communication and Black Swan Techniques share a foundation in psychology, neuroscience, and behavioral insights. Whether the goal is therapeutic change or resolving a hostage crisis, these principles and methods emphasize adaptability, empathy, and the power of language.

See Chris Voss and the Black Swan Group videos on YouTube and sign for his Master classes or trainings, I recommend it.

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